Minding Our Elders: Dad – just give me the keys!
By Carol Bradley Bursack

Alice came in saying she’d gotten lost. My mother-in-law had gone to the grocery store – the same one she’d shopped at for thirty years. It was four blocks away. I was staying with my father-in-law, because he couldn’t be alone. A couple of hours passed and I was worried. Finally, I heard her footsteps in the hall.

She looked shaken. Confused. I asked if she was okay, and she said she was, but there was a hitch in her voice. Then she said she had gotten lost coming home. That was the last time she drove.

With my own mother, it was more dramatic. I went to her parking garage to get her car so I could get it filled with gas and get it washed. I noticed the side was caved in, and the yellow marker she parked by had blue paint on it. The same paint as her car. When I went back to her apartment and carefully mentioned the car, she looked totally confused. She didn’t remember anything. It must have been someone else. We got the car fixed, but it happened one again in a week. She finally came out of denial and realized she shouldn’t drive anymore.

Giving up driving is one of the toughest things anyone can do. It’s not just the driving itself, but the sense of independence it gives most people. When you can no longer choose to hop in your car (or even toddle to it behind your walker) and go somewhere – anywhere - you know you have lost something. My experience is that it’s tougher on men of my parent’s generation, than women. The men tended to identify more with their vehicles and also their independence. My dad gave in gracefully, when his eyes failed, and my father-in-law never really quit – he was just slowly losing the energy to even get to the car, so it happened naturally. But my uncle gave in as gracefully and a wounded elephant. Only a massive stroke stopped him completely.

What about the senior who won’t give up the keys? Who insists he or she can drive when you know it’s not safe for them, or for anyone else? There are a few options to try before “losing” the keys down the sewer grate.

If you are lucky, and your elder has had a particular doctor for an extended time, the doctor’s advice may be enough to convince them. But not always.

I’ve found three places with helpful advice. One is The Hartford. The site, www.thehartford.com, offers brochures that have great tips on helping seniors know when to stop driving and more tips to help caregivers convince those who shouldn’t drive that they need to give up the keys. Go to www.thehartford.com/talkwitholderdrivers/ and/or www.thehartford.com/alzheimers/. Your area Agencies on Aging site also has resources on older driver safety at www.n4a.org.

AAA puts out an interactive computer program where a senior (or anyone) can test their own driving skills, in private though a partner is needed. The program is titled “Roadwise Review,” and can be ordered on-line or you could call your AAA office. The company also has a series of booklets: “Straight Talk for Mature Drivers.” The series includes, among others, “Meeting the Challenge,” which talks about ways to compensate for the effects of aging on driving and “A Flexibility Fitness Training Package” suggesting exercises that can help driving performance. AAA maintains that they want to help seniors drive as long as it’s safe. Sometimes, this approach can help extend driving time. If not, it may help convince the senior that it’s time to quit.

Finally, many hospitals and clinics have programs built in, where they will do a physical and psychological exam, and then have the senior take a trained staff member for a drive. They set up the driving to be as close to the experience the senior would have when driving around his or her neighborhood or town. If the person is from a small town, they would be taken to a quiet neighborhood. If they drive in traffic, they would be asked to take the trainer into traffic. Check with your local hospital to see if they have such a program.

The bottom line is safety – for the senior and for others on the road. If you are having trouble convincing a senior to give up the keys, try some of these resources. Oh – and good luck.

For over twenty years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Carol created a portable support group – the book “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. Her site www.mindingourelders.com includes helpful links and agencies. Carol’s column, “Minding Our Elders,” runs weekly, she speaks at many caregiver workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines. This article first published in Stress Free Living Magazine.